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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 8/20/2009 7:55:49 AM
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McGuinessMagee
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quote:
I think what bothered me most about it was that we were barely speaking to each other at the time and I wasn't feeling very "connected" to him so his touch did not feel very loving towards me
I find that interesting from the perspective that men often have to be intimate to feel connected and women often have to feel connected to be intimate. It's a generalisation, but there are usually good reasons for generalisations, enough people are like that for the generalisation to exist.
For me personally, my body is my husband's and his body is mine. If, and it happens every now and then, one of us has a need in the middle of the night then neither one of us begrudges the other. And it would never bother me that my husband touched my body while I slept. Being in his arms is the safest place in the world. Therefore, anything we share is safe.
And two days, for some people, can mean that they have a high need again. If that's the case for your husband, that doesn't make either one of you right above the other, it just makes you different and that this is perhaps going to be one of your issues you will have to BECOME one on, rather than just assuming that because you're married you'll just be one just because...
From my perspective, the previous abuse (am I understanding that right?) is a barrier to the being available to your spouse in the sense that it's hard to build intimacy with a person who has surrounded themselves with totally understandable protective walls. But, for intimacy to be developed walls have to come down. And that might mean a lot of counselling, a lot of love and understanding, and a lot of giving from both of you.
Kylie 
_____________________________
'If God gives you something you can do, why in God's name wouldn't you do it?'
Stephen King
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 8/28/2009 9:28:49 AM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1890
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
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quote:
ORIGINAL: McGuinessMagee
quote:
I think what bothered me most about it was that we were barely speaking to each other at the time and I wasn't feeling very "connected" to him so his touch did not feel very loving towards me
I find that interesting from the perspective that men often have to be intimate to feel connected and women often have to feel connected to be intimate. It's a generalisation, but there are usually good reasons for generalisations, enough people are like that for the generalisation to exist.
For me personally, my body is my husband's and his body is mine. If, and it happens every now and then, one of us has a need in the middle of the night then neither one of us begrudges the other. And it would never bother me that my husband touched my body while I slept. Being in his arms is the safest place in the world. Therefore, anything we share is safe.
And two days, for some people, can mean that they have a high need again. If that's the case for your husband, that doesn't make either one of you right above the other, it just makes you different and that this is perhaps going to be one of your issues you will have to BECOME one on, rather than just assuming that because you're married you'll just be one just because...
From my perspective, the previous abuse (am I understanding that right?) is a barrier to the being available to your spouse in the sense that it's hard to build intimacy with a person who has surrounded themselves with totally understandable protective walls. But, for intimacy to be developed walls have to come down. And that might mean a lot of counselling, a lot of love and understanding, and a lot of giving from both of you.
Kylie
Excellent post.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 8/28/2009 10:27:55 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3401
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: McGuinessMagee
For me personally, my body is my husband's and his body is mine. If, and it happens every now and then, one of us has a need in the middle of the night then neither one of us begrudges the other. And it would never bother me that my husband touched my body while I slept.
Well, sleep is a very precious commodity for me these days. I don't get much. So, while my husband may have sexual rights to my body, I'm glad he's more concerned about me getting a few hours' sleep then claiming his "rights".
But that's just us.
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Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/17/2009 1:08:16 AM
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michele_erin
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Catlady, I'm so glad to hear that you and your husband are getting counseling. When I started reading the post, it made me sad for both of you. I know that the first year of marriage is not easy. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and adjusting to married life was harder for me than him as I'd been alone for 7 years, and even in my first marriage was left alone a lot, so I was used to alone.
One comment I read about a woman whose husband just took sex and she woke to him being inside of her -- that would bother me, but I think a gentle touch, or caressing in an attempt to wake me up -- I like that, but if my husband was to help himself to me while I'm basically passed out, that would bother me.
I think if you are able to set the boundaries that you are comfortable with (due to your past abuse), and for him to respect, would be good.
Again, I'm so glad to hear that you two are attending counseling, and that you had a good conversation. I wish you both the best, and will keep you in my prayers.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/18/2009 12:42:11 AM
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m4maggie
Posts: 1010
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From: I... AM...CANADIAN!
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my hubby does that to me too, but never in a bad way... it's always intimate, soft, nice and he knows it's a no-go if I grunt at him or roll away. Heh... half the time I don't even know he's done it to me until he tells me the next day, which thankfully he always does. Try to look at it this way.. sometimes it's an excitement thing... a weird way to make things different or exciting or spontaneous.. like first thing in the a.m love making.
_____________________________
" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/18/2009 4:47:42 PM
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truthrevealed
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I agree that spouses "belong" to each other as it concerns their bodies but there is a respectful and considerate way for a husband to "initiate" the act of sex. I respect the male who, if the need arises in the middle of the night will make an attempt but back off if it's clear the wife is not desirous. It doesn't exemplifiy love on his part, IMO, if he uses that opportunity to proceed with sexual acts/intimacy and the wife is not a willing partner. God Himself does not force Himself upon us. The Holy Spirit is a gentleman. When there are areas of fear, insecurity and weakness within us, He gently leads and guides us. (Talk about Someone who has a right to every part of us---that would be Him).
Sometimes **** some*** men need an occasional "not now"!!!! They need to learn how to love their wives by having understanding and compassion for their needs (emotional and otherwise) and to, quite frankly, practice not gratifying the demands of their fleshy desires whenever they want. Because despite the fact that sexual intimacy is a holy act of oneness, and it's essential in a marriage relationship, and that's how husbands connect to wives and all that.........sometimes a man simply wants to satisfy that physical component of himself without consideration for the needs of his spouse. Such a situation becomes very apparant if he whines about not getting his way, yet his wife is clearly hurting--in whatever way, for whatever reason!
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What a mighty God we serve!
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/29/2009 6:09:47 AM
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autumnsnow
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I just found this page, and you don't know how long I've been looking for support on this topic, so I hope you all are able to offer some advice to me too.
My husband has done this for years. It's not just been groping. I've woken up to oral, sex, and touching. I have expressed each time I've caught him doing it that I HATE IT! I'm a Christian, and a loving husband should have enough respect for a woman's body to wake you, or understand if you're not in the mood. I mean, if No means No when you're not married, how much more when you are under a covenant. So, I'm up tonight, in the middle of the night because it happened again. My husband didn't realize he work me up - so I started talking and then he *pretends* to be asleep when I ask him, "Is it really this serious?" It's not like I haven't mentioned it before. I have. It creeps me out. What woman in their right mind wants to awaken to someone (even her husband) having sex with her? Who is he thinking about if he doesn't have the courtesy to wake you to be involved? It's creepy. I went through 2 months of not having relations with my husband because I didn't want to wake up to this. Now, when I feel intimate with him again, here we go. I'm at the point that it's nauseating to think about why. This last time, before we went to bed, I explained, "I'm exhausted. And our littlest had kept me up the three previous nights. I just needed one night to myself." But no, he completely disregards my feelings. Christian marriage means considering each other's needs, not just the wife considering the husband to me. So, what do I do? I've told hiim this is creepy behavior to me so you think my husband will go to counseling? And if we don't even have health insurance, how could we afford it if it were a possibility? I feel I just have to deal with it. After years of this, I think he could care less about my wishes intimately which makes him even unattractive to me, and a creep factor doesn't entice anyone to be intimate. I just don't know.
< Message edited by autumnsnow -- 10/29/2009 6:22:08 AM >
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/30/2009 8:28:20 AM
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SurpassingPeace
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I read this yesterday and it is still bothering. This really creeps me out. I do not understand why anyone's husband would be desirous of intercourse with his unconscious wife. Really, is he that desperate? I cannot see how it is any thing other than satisfying a physical need without regard to his partner. As far as it is not my body, it is his so he can do what he wants. That just disturbes me. So do you not have a say? Your wants don't matter? To me that is verging on the idea that there cannot be any such thing as marital rape because a woman doesn't have the right to say no anyway. That is just not true.
On the other hand, if my body is his and his body is mine then I think I would just decide that his body (you know the one that belongs to me) wasn't up for it that night.
Seriously though, I just find this disturbing. I am not talking about caresses or a show of interest in the hopes you might wake up, I am talking about performing sex acts on your unconscious body. If my husband made a habit of that I would be sleeping in another bedroom with the door locked. I know that he is fully capable of controlling himself and respecting me.
Karen
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/30/2009 8:51:36 AM
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aprilshowers12
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I recommend the bible study Intimate Encounters. Do it with a trained counselor. It saved my marriage, I was abused and often processed some of DH's intimate advances wrongly because of the abuse. I really think this is how you are reacting to being touched in your sleep, becuase it makes 100% sense to me but your DH might not "get" it. I was not able to put these things into words until counseling.
This study as well as counseling helped both of us to voice things that would never have been able to be voiced otherwise and we had been married for over 10 yrs. DH had known about one of my abuse situations but not a second one, couseling helped me to be able to share everything with him.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/30/2009 8:44:02 PM
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michele_erin
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I'm sorry, but I'm fairly new -- what does "DH" mean?
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 10/31/2009 2:42:18 AM
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michele_erin
Posts: 267
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Thank you Manda! I was lost when I would see those abbreviations!
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 11/9/2009 9:43:39 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3401
Joined: 4/12/2005
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It's not the ideal option, but a woman is allowed to defend herself against assault, and I believe that assault is possible within marriage (ie the wife is allowed to say NO). I'd certainly try non violent methods first (move to a different bed) before I was forced to strike my husband.
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Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 11/19/2009 10:58:26 PM
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Blessed1ofGod
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I don't want to be incensitive however I was just wondering why it's a problem. My husband doesn't even look at me except when he is really really really turned on, much less to touch me. Whenever we are alone he goes straight to sleep. I am soooo frustrated. I can't even get him to say two words. So I think you should feel good your husband still has any interest. Of course I only have piece of the story.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 12/15/2009 11:55:36 AM
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GraceyGirl
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I think there are two avenues of discussion going on here.
What the OP and several other women have talked about here is NOT typical, normal "interest" in the middle of the night. there's a difference between "seduction" and simply "taking."
A husband who touches you on the hips, shoulder, or even bare skin and is seductive in his affection is obviously trying to communicate a need/desire.
A husband who simply begins having sex with his wife - that is an altogether different issue and one that desperately needs to be addressed. Whether we belong to our spouses or not, they do not have the right to simply "take" what they want. Having sex with a spouse who is asleep is akin (to me) to a spouse who takes food from their beloveds hand. While everything I own does indeed belong to him, there are rules, and appropriate ways to go about getting what he needs.
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God called. He'd like His church back.
~John Wimber~
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 12/15/2009 1:22:20 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2970
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl
I think there are two avenues of discussion going on here.
What the OP and several other women have talked about here is NOT typical, normal "interest" in the middle of the night. there's a difference between "seduction" and simply "taking."
A husband who touches you on the hips, shoulder, or even bare skin and is seductive in his affection is obviously trying to communicate a need/desire.
A husband who simply begins having sex with his wife - that is an altogether different issue and one that desperately needs to be addressed. Whether we belong to our spouses or not, they do not have the right to simply "take" what they want. Having sex with a spouse who is asleep is akin (to me) to a spouse who takes food from their beloveds hand. While everything I own does indeed belong to him, there are rules, and appropriate ways to go about getting what he needs.
Amen!
And excellent explanation, GraceyGirl. You expressed exactly what was bothering me about this issue.
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"I like to stride, not mince." -- Maggie
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 1/5/2010 9:04:44 AM
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Noddi
Posts: 49
Joined: 11/10/2009
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If you are not with holding yourself from him, this is a problem he needs to deal with not you.
You have a right to feel wierd about it (he aparantly does too, wich is a good sign) and as you have said he does it because he 'has needs' and will take it as far as he can, it shows that it is not loving or concideate.
Unless your DH was born in a cucoon (and stayed there) he is like the many men that bring sexual issues to the table when they start a marriage. This is particularly hard of a wife as it often appers to be a fault with her. He needs personal counseling to deal with what ever the root of this is.
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BOYAKASHA!
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 1/23/2010 2:01:35 AM
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dboe
Posts: 128
Joined: 1/19/2009
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My husband has actually had sex with me many times while we were sleeping. I was totally cool with it, thought it was fun and interesting and made me happy the next day. Its kind of a compliment really. It did not bother my sleep. But if you are a light sleeper it might. Its not abnormal though like my husband does it all the time. So I guess I was not totally sleeping but in a nice dreamlike state.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 1/23/2010 2:03:28 AM
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dboe
Posts: 128
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But I also like crazy stuff like being tied up and what not. Okay I hope that was not inappropriate for this site but it is not bad if not done frequently and you are married and love each other. I think. Okay would that be appropriate for another post? But no matter I think it was cool. I hope they dont kick me off... I am married...
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 1/23/2010 2:04:35 AM
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dboe
Posts: 128
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Is there something wrong with me that I enjoy these things and everyone else thinks there is something wrong with this guy? Am I abnormal or weird?
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yep!! Thank you tho! Very helpful 
