What if you want to have a budget, but your husband thinks it is hopeless and pointless?
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 All Forums >> [Life] >> Finances >> What if you want to have a budget, but your husband thinks it is hopeless and pointless? | Page: [1] |
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What if you want to have a budget, but your husband thi... - 2/27/2010 5:00:08 PM
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Ruth181
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I bought Dave Ramsey's book in hopes that if I read it and my husband read it, we could come up with some kind of plan to get out from under the debt we have built up. We both did read it and discussed it. I went through all the bills and wrote down their balances and minimum payment due each month. It is more dismal and scary than I thought! 
I wanted to get started on it and we had a garage sale to sell some things that we didn't need, under the assumption that we would send the money in to pay off some of the smaller balances. Months later, we were still getting the bills for those accounts, so obviously he did not pay them off.  I asked him about it and he said he would take care of it.
During our marriage, he has always taken care of paying the bills. I have asked him over the years to go over our budge and he would not. He said we didn't have a budget because we owe too much money and just pay the minimum each month. We filed for bankruptcy years ago, but that is off our credit report now. This is the first time we have sat down and gone over everything and it is a scary thing and pretty frustrating.
Since having the garage sale and writing down everything we owe, we have not discussed it again. Our communication in our marriage has broken down pretty much, but that is another post that I will follow up with.
Right now, I would like to know what the best tactic is for getting this debt paid off. We have one credit card amongst many that sent us a bill that I opened the other day. The balance is $3,500 and it said if we continue to pay the minimum monthly balance, even if we do not buy anything else, we will never pay it off. Never. We have many more credit cards, a mortgage and a home improvement loan. Should we work on paying off this particular credit card? The interest rate is so high, it's rediculous. I thought about contacting them and asking them to stop charging us interest so we could get it paid off, but I don't know if they'd go for that! 
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/27/2010 5:16:56 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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quote:
balance is $3,500 and it said if we continue to pay the minimum monthly balance, even if we do not buy anything else, we will never pay it off. Never.
Exactly. And that is exactly where they want you to stay. 
I don't know if that particular card is the one to pay off first. Dave Ramsey would say start with your smallest, kill it, and apply the money you were paying on it to the next one up. That may not be the most efficient way if you're a number cruncher, but his idea is that it gives people hope. Sounds like what you and your husband may need, to be able to *see* that debt is being paid off. (Have you read the whole book? I am pretty sure he gives at least a little advice on getting credit interest lowered)
What part of the money do you deal with? Do you have access to accounts for both income and bills? If there is anything *you* can cut start there and start putting the savings onto your debt (or building up an emergency fund if you don't have one). Where is all your money going right now? Is he spending way beyond your means, or have you both been doing that, or do you have a bunch of things that are heavy debt (several cars, too much house)? Do you have a sense of where money is going *specifically*? A credit card bill is a grouping of many seperate charges over the course of the month, so it's not just a static bill. It's hard to advise when there's so little to go on.
You say communication is broken down with your husband. I'm not sure exactly what that means?? He won't talk to you at all? Have you asked to just be the one to do the financial stuff? Sounds like you're the one with a plan and the drive to get out of debt. What would he say if you presented it as a "trial run". For instance: "Hon, this debt is so overwhelming to even think about, and I so desperately want us to be free. It feels to me like you are burnt out over this issue, and I know it's a heavy burden to bear. I have some ideas and a plan. What if you let me take 6 months doing all the finances, and see if it will work the way I think it will. If it doesn't work, we can rethink it together."
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 2/27/2010 5:23:14 PM >
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/27/2010 5:44:25 PM
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huckfinn327
Posts: 719
Joined: 1/30/2007
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Dear Ruth 181,
My wife and I, equally, contol our "budget". First of all you and h do not have a budget, and secondly you yourself do not have knowledge of the total household finances. If you want to do anything about it you must know "every" aspect of your combined "income" and "expenses" or dispersments.
The fact the you once filed for "bankruptcy" is surprising? ... How could you and h let things get so out of hand again?
All households "benefit" when they use a budget system.
1Co 14:40 Let all things be done decently and in order.
This admonition includes our finances. You have a "long" way to go; but you must see it through. I have never read Ramsey's book, but I'm sure his strategies are sound. Make sure you understand your plan of attack:
Luk 14:28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?
Luk 14:29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him,
Luk 14:30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
Luk 14:31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?
Luk 14:32 Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace.
huckfinn
_____________________________
NO-REMARRIAGE-THIS-SIDE-OF-DEATH .... JESUS TAUGHT CREATION MARRIAGE
www.jesusremarriagekeller.com
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/27/2010 7:07:48 PM
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familywoman
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Joined: 7/16/2007
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Exactly what happened to the garage sale money?
Do you have an emergency fund?
I am wondering why your husband is in charge of the money when he clearly is irresponsible with it. If you are allowing your husband to handle the finances when he is being irresponsible, you are being irresponsible too.
Do you have a job?
My husband used to handle the finances. When I realized he was not being a good steward, I took them over. At that point it was so bad our bank closed down our checking accounts and everything was out of control. I had been asking him about things for a while and keep telling me he had it under control and not to worry. We almost lost our house, had to sell it and move in with family. Our realtor begged the mortgage company, on the steps of the place they were about to auction off our house, to hold off until our deal closed. The mortgage company relented and waited until the deal closed.
Even though I have most of the control over the finances, my husband still has trouble. He drained our savings account without my knowledge on cigarettes and other junk. It’s complicated, but he runs his work stuff through our savings account and I do not have access to all of the information, so I could not keep track of what was going on. His paycheck is deposited into our savings account.
Where I am at the moment is that I have downright [strike]demanded[/strike] insisted that his pay be direct deposited into our checking account, because I think he is lying to me about how much he gets paid and due to the mess I cannot keep track.
We just got an income tax refund, which is now our emergency account. I will open a separate savings account, in another bank and will keep close tabs on it. If anything comes out, I will be able to clearly understand it and see what is happening. I budget our money and pay all the bills. I have been doing this for years. He balances our checking account monthly, so he has complete knowledge of where all the money goes.
I am still contemplating on how I am going to understanding what is going on with his work account. He is not self employed, but he travels several times a month and gets reimbursed for travel expenses. I think I’m going to have to insist that he sit down with me and go over it. If it is as much a disaster as I fear, I am going to insist that he talk to his boss and get help on handling it properly. If necessary, we will seek the help of a paid financial counselor to get his work stuff in order. If he refuses, I will go to the church and ask them to help us.
These are not small matters. These are things that we must take seriously and not sit around while our husbands wreck the finances. We are not simpletons and we must behave like responsible adults. Letting someone else control our lives or an aspect of it and especially when they are doing a poor job of it, is foolish. If a husband is not allowing full access to account for his wife, unless she is in sin and squandering the money, he is in sin. Marriage is supposed to be two coming together as one, not one being in charge and the other going alone with whatever the husband dictates.
< Message edited by familywoman -- 2/28/2010 11:42:16 AM >
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/27/2010 9:19:32 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17759
Joined: 2/28/2005
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Moving from Marriage to Finances
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/28/2010 10:40:31 AM
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bolt.
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From: Canada
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It is important that if you are interested in your financial life that you become involved in your financial life.
Do you, at this point, have 'joint' privileges on your bank account(s), credit cards and bills? If so, there is no reason for you not to begin paying bills, writing checks, saving money, and living with a spending plan.
Keep your own records, read the mail, make a plan and pay the bills. Pay them a little early and tell your husband, "I saw the bills in the mail, so I paid them. I didn't want you to have to worry about it." (If he wants to know how much you paid to which, show him your record book.)
Continue to make all minimum payments. You husband's plan is fine at that basic level.
First step: Open a savings account. Try not to be obvious about this since your husband seems to be a 'spend it all and more' guy. Put some money aside each paycheck so that next time unexpected expenses arrive in your life, they won't have to all go on the credit card. Save $20 to $50 per pay check. It's best to have your bank set up the transfer to happen automatically the day after the check arrives in the account (only if you have direct pay).
You are free to do this, whether or not your husband feels like getting on board. You do not need his permission to save money.
Second step: Make a spending plan so that every dollar of take-home pay is accounted for. Consider your charitable giving, your savings transfer, your minimum payment of each debt, and each household bill including insurance. Then consider your average spending on groceries, household things, transportation and extras.
Does this use up all your money? If it does, you will never get out of debt. You will need to find a very real way to either earn more or spend less, so that you have some money to take control of your situation. But it doesn't have to be much. You can begin to take control of your situation with as little as 20 to 60 dollars per month.
Spending less might mean tightening up your groceries, goods, transportation or extras plans. That's a good place to start. Whether or not you tighten this spending, you should make sure you stick to it, and the easiest way to do that is to pull out cash money each week for spending, and not to spend on any kind of card, ever.
Spending less also might mean conserving things like utilities so that your bills are lower. You can also call the credit cards and ask that they lower your interest rates (they might) or lower your minimum payment. It's worth a try.
Earning more can be anything from taking a part time job, to babysitting, to housecleaning, to returning recyclable containers for cash. Be creative.
Third step: so by any plan at all, find a way that you can list all those things above and still have 20 to 60 dollars a month (or more! maybe you have more!). This is your 'power money' -- the money that will actually change your situation.
Use your 'power money' to increase your payment on the smallest debt you have. The reason you want to do the smallest debt first is because once that debt is gone, you will have not only your original 'power money' but now the minimum payment that that debt used to demand becomes 'power money' too. More 'power money' means the next debt you attack (the next smallest) will go down that much faster, and when it's gone, there's even more 'power money' for the next one!
(If your original 'power money' was hard to come by, once you've paid off one or two debts, their former minimum payments can be your 'power money' alone, and you won't have to continue the difficult way you were getting it in the first place.)
Again, your husband does not have to really care what you are doing or why. You do not need to explain your plan to him, unless he asks. Even then, you can just say, "I'm making basic payments, but I think I'm making progress." So that he doesn't get the idea that once you free up a debt, he can charge even more to it.
It is critical that he is still able to do some spending 'extras' matter, they are a part of life, not something you have the right to make completely disappear.
It is also critical that the money in the account he uses actually gets used up, so that it runs out and you and him are both under the impression that the money is 'gone' each month, just as it usually is... it's just gone to better places. And send it away early, so it is not in danger of getting spent before it does it's job. Anything that happens between one paycheck and the next has exactly the same effect on the 'bottom line' so you might as well do your payments early so that the money doesn't hang out and tempt either of you.
That's my best advice in a nutshell (I gathered it from other sources, I didn't come up with it myself) so I hope it's clear and workable.
Good luck!
_____________________________
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/28/2010 1:30:05 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Excellent advice from bolt.
Just git 'er done. It would be nice if it were a two-person project but you can do it without your husband participating 100%. You are capable of opening mail, writing checks, putting a $20 bill in your savings account, becoming mindful of spending habits and choosing to be frugal. You can do it. 
You mentioned eating out/pizza in your marriage post. With 7 people that habit, even if it's only a few times a month, can eat up tons of money. If you don't have a crockpot, get an inexpensive one and make it your best friend. You can dump stuff in there in the morning and have a nice hot meal ready in the evening, for much much less than either Chinese or pizza. If your youngest are 11 yo, you have some kids in that house capable of throwing together a supper once a week if you and your dh are working. Spaghetti and salad, or even hamburgers. What you save on that alone can give you a little boost up that bolt. was talking about. Just enough to get things rolling.
_____________________________
Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/28/2010 3:19:23 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7745
Joined: 3/31/2005
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In our family, eating out is a luxury usually reserved only for dh and I so we can have an occassional date. The kids know family restaraunt trips are not in the budget more than two or three times a year. I suggest you find some crockpot meals that work for you and use them at least once a week.
Here's one to get you started:
Before leaving for work in the morning:
Put the chicken pieces into the crockpot (however many you need for the family)
pour 1 or 2 cans of cream of something soup in there
If you have an extra minutes and don't mind cleaning the bowl, put the soup into a bowl, squirt in some mustard and 1/2 to a whole cup of Miracle Whip or mayonnaise. Mix it up, then pour it over the chicken. Turn the crockpot onto low and leave it in until you get home.
This can be served with steamed veges and bread.
Very little clean up is involved.
In my house, the kids are responsible for cleaning the table and the kitchen after meals. We have a 10, 13 and 15 yo.
Some people I know have their children make several meals a week. They take turns and place in advance for what they are going to make. My mother was a homemaker until I was in high school. When she went to work, she could not be expected to work all day and come home to cook every night, so she delegated meals to the kids several days per week. We all pitched in, because we all needed to eat!
One way to put aside money is to write the grocery check for $5 over every time and put that into a savings account. I have not done this, but have considered it.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/28/2010 5:12:58 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7745
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I would add, you may as well just start digging into all this right now. Your marriage being on the rocks, if it fails you will end up needing to do it anyway or sink even deeper in debt if you divorce. If your marriage survives, praise God! And your finances will be in better shape too. If it doesn't, you are going to be facing all of this alone anyway.
So set your mind to the task and plow ahead. Just do it.
Maggie has nailed it. In my own marriage, once I let go of the fear of my husband leaving me and put my fear in God, things changed dramatically for me and for the better. I was constantly being controlled by my husband’s reactions to things, so that stopped. I began to focus on what the Lord wanted me to do and to do His will. This did not make my husband or me perfect, but it certainly improved things and now about six years later my husband is not only still here, but he has grown as well. Praise the Lord. It’s not about taking over. It’s about taking responsibility. When you stand before God and He asks you what you did with what He gave you, you will not be able to say, “Ask my husband. I left it up to him.”
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/28/2010 11:39:40 PM
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Pamsy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I would add, you may as well just start digging into all this right now. Your marriage being on the rocks, if it fails you will end up needing to do it anyway or sink even deeper in debt if you divorce. If your marriage survives, praise God! And your finances will be in better shape too. If it doesn't, you are going to be facing all of this alone anyway.
So set your mind to the task and plow ahead. Just do it.
Maggie has nailed it. In my own marriage, once I let go of the fear of my husband leaving me and put my fear in God, things changed dramatically for me and for the better. I was constantly being controlled by my husband’s reactions to things, so that stopped. I began to focus on what the Lord wanted me to do and to do His will. This did not make my husband or me perfect, but it certainly improved things and now about six years later my husband is not only still here, but he has grown as well. Praise the Lord. It’s not about taking over. It’s about taking responsibility. When you stand before God and He asks you what you did with what He gave you, you will not be able to say, “Ask my husband. I left it up to him.”
But at what point are you doing wrong becuase the husband is supposed to be the head of the household. Sounds like he has been open though to his wifes suggestions. Good!
_____________________________
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest... my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 2/28/2010 11:57:48 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7745
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Pamsy
But at what point are you doing wrong becuase the husband is supposed to be the head of the household. Sounds like he has been open though to his wifes suggestions. Good!
We are each responsible before God.
And besides that I think the idea of the husband being the head of the house is really odd and unscriptural. Look it up. No place does scripture ever state that. It says that the husband is the head (as in the head that sits on the shoulders) of the wife, meaning that husband and wife are one flesh. We live our lives together and work together as one. If the husband is not handling the finances properly and has made a mess of them, then the wife is not operating in the spirit of the scripture in terms of working for what is best for the two of them. Leaving it all up to someone who clearly is faltering, when she is able, is wrong. It would be like if he fell down and was injured, but insisted on being left alone so she left him to die.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 3/1/2010 12:52:47 PM
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Kath
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Careful, the topic of submission is off topic to this thread and is so controversial we have a One Stop for it.
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RE: What if you want to have a budget, but your husband... - 3/3/2010 4:13:53 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7745
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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Ruth181, Has anything changed since you posted?
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT 
PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS! 
I believe that there are Biblical roles for men and women, but who writes checks for bills and keeps track of expenses is not specified, and is not necessarily even a "leadership" issue. It's a task that needs to be done for the benefit of the whole family. If one is better able than the other to do a particular household task, what would be wrong with the more able one doing it?